I feel like a hermit crab... with lower back pain.

Hello again! Hubby is at school, and I'm avoiding homework yet again, so I might as well blog. :) The new developments here are that of intense lower back pain and "nesting" (well, sort of, but I'll get to that in the next post, since this one is becoming long.)

First off, I'm really grateful I can eat more and smells aren't getting to me anymore (mostly) and I am usually not nauseous. In exchange, unfortunately, it is becoming a whole lot more common to experience mild to severe lower back pain. I can safely say that mothers who say, "Once you're in the second trimester, everything gets better," have never experienced severe lower back pain. I'm so happy I already have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, because I'm worrying myself to pieces wondering if this is "normal" for some pregnant women, or if this is a huge problem I should have addressed a week or so ago with a call to my doctor. Asking the internet is no help, of course. No, I don't have sciatica... no I don't think the pain is there... no I'm not having contractions. Hmm... I'm either fine and should exercise more, fine and should rest, or I'm in a rare emergency and might lose my unborn baby, but who am I to tell?

Hubby, help me plz. I can't get up.

The first time I felt like dying from lower back pain was two Sundays ago. I am the chorister for the primary children in my ward (what a congregation is called at an LDS church). I was about finished with teaching the older kiddos when my right side of my lower back started bothering me. No biggie, I'm just pregnant, I'll just hold my back with one hand and conduct the music with the other. Two minutes go by, the pain is becoming more intense, and radiating to the side and front of my abdomen; two more minutes and I am sweating, nauseous, and panicked from the severity of the pain! AAAH! I make it through the closing songs and exercises barely by sheer will power and (I'm sure) some heavenly intervention. It went away after a while, and I rested the rest of the day. I thought it was a fluke, but Monday after walking around a grocery store and coming home, here comes moderate back pain, and upon sitting/plopping down on my bed, AAAAAH! WHAT DID I EVEN DO?!? I lay on my side with pain as if my back, backside, and abdomen was just trampled by a horse and can't hardly move for the next 15 minutes. Thankfully, if I don't move from bed, the pain more or less recedes and doesn't start coming back unless I try to move again. After sleeping at night, I can get up and be fine if I take it easy. I don't know what I would do without my husband helping me through all of this! You have no idea how lucky I am. In spite of his full schedule for school, work, and church, he somehow finds time to do dishes, cook, and clean whenever I've felt horrible, useless, and exhausted and have stayed in bed quite literally all day (besides bathroom breaks).

I'll try to update this post when I find out what is causing my pain tomorrow at my doctor's appointment so others reading one day might solve their back problems mystery.

The Multi-Purpose Blog: Shifting Gears Again

In the past few months, the idea of coming back to blogging for a bit has intrigued me, mostly because:

1. I'm pregnant, and I feel crazy for speaking in blog-form in my head on occasion to no one, and 
2. Not many people read my blog posts, so I don't feel like I'm publishing it to my Facebook feed, rubbing it in everyone's face whether they want to know about my personal life or not. (In particular, those that "get sick" of seeing wedding/baby announcements, but more importantly, I'm afraid of being another dark, stormy day to those struggling with miscarriage or infertility.)

I figure if you are reading this blog post, you're looking for my introspective or personal thoughts, or you googled a topic within my blog, which is pretty cool, and I hope you find a friend here.

So, to catch up the world: I was married last year in June this handsome guy. After a summer of craziness with doing an internship, a class in SLC, and work, we moved to Oregon, and in with his parents. To be clear, I never had a desire to live with anyone's parents after I was married. We all optimistically hope we will carry out marital bliss forever with good-paying jobs and no rainy days. I don't think God ever meant us to be without hardship, though, and so why not start as newlyweds? With much prayer, we felt like we needed to move to Oregon for family reasons and, as the weeks and days went on, because we became acutely aware that my husband's shoulder needed surgery sooner than later, and his specialized doctor was also in Oregon. We thought we'd find an apartment somewhere close to his parents, find new jobs, and go on as normal newlyweds, me finishing my degree online while working. Instead, we realized there were no apartments in his small town, and little to no jobs either. Coming from BYU where I was quite independent and could have had a job within a few weeks, I was a bit shocked. We lived with my in-laws for 9 months! I felt like someone was saying, "Congratulations! You're married! Now go live with your in-laws and pay hundreds/thousands of dollars for surgery costs." I'm glad my we could be there for my husband's family though, and eventually, we were able to get part-time jobs, pay off debt, and save up so that we could (finally!) move out and go pursue the rest of my husband's education.

We still live in Oregon now while my husband goes to OIT to pursue medical imaging technology (he's hoping to get into the Nuclear Medicine program.) He works part-time for the athletics department, and I still haven't found work after about 6 months of looking/applying. Our Heavenly Father keeps telling us things will be okay, even if the numbers don't add up. Turns out that it was somewhat of a blessing for me to not have a job in the past few months, as being pregnant has me down for the count most days. It was even a blessing that we did not get pregnant until after 9 months of trying (which we thought was a long time, mostly because you worry whether you can bear children or not, but found out we were lucky compared to some), if only for the reason that it would have been hard to move out while nauseatingly pregnant and exhausted.

Symptoms are getting better (now that I'm 13 weeks), but ever since the week before we found out, I have been exhausted, nauseous, achy, in pain at random times, etc. I think when you hear about pregnancy symptoms, you kind of chuckle and think, "Oh, at least it is only a temporary problem, and the reward is so good, I'm sure those moms don't really mind." While that is somewhat true, I think, "How on earth do people in their first trimester hold down a job? I can't make pancakes or even stand in the shower for 15 minutes without getting super dizzy and feeling like I need to go back to bed!" I never knew how incredibly different every woman's pregnancy can be from their neighbor's or their sister's pregnancy experiences. I told my mom of how exhausted I was, and she was telling me to get tested for iron levels, low thyroid, etc. (...again?... I've always been at least a little more tired than about everyone else, and so I've been tested for these multiple times.) I went to my first doctor's appointment, and she said that if everyone wrote down every single symptom they had while in the first trimester, most women would be surprised how normal their symptoms are when comparing them to the general population.

Also, you know how some women feel so enchanted by the idea that they have a baby growing inside of them, and you assume it would just feel magical or glowing from day 1? I am so excited for that to happen someday! So far, it hasn't sunken in yet. No matter how much I tell people I'm pregnant or talk about "our baby," I feel like I am playing house with my sisters again (except this time I'm adding one wet cotton ball under my shirt each day instead of a ball or pillow.) This has given me a new perspective on those individuals that choose to have abortions. Unless my (or both my baby and my) mortality were at stake, I would never even think about aborting a fetus/baby, but now I understand how some people would be able to go through with it, especially in the first trimester (bear with me on this.) Since it does not feel like there is a life inside you yet, the only things you feel are the symptoms, which can be the worst, especially when you weren't trying to conceive. To be frank, the online pictures of what your baby looks like the first month or two don't help much, as your baby ranges from looking like a tadpole to a Klingon with a deformity, a kidney, an evil genius with a large head, and, well, I could go on, but you get the picture. It is only around the second trimester that what your baby is supposed to look like resembles a normal baby. Size comparisons don't help either-- how am I supposed to feel like there's a new life inside of me when it is compared to beans? The cutest/most animated size comparison I saw early on was a gummy bear, which I could at least imagine dancing.

The point is, until you can feel the baby kick, there's really nothing more than mere glimpses of enlightenment that you are giving life daily to and going to give birth to another human being complete with thoughts, feelings, senses, etc. I can see now how difficult it would be without the concept of life before birth and after death to make sense of the whole thing. I believe the only way of truly understanding and feeling that is through the light of Christ and through the witness of the Holy Ghost. To say it best, "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God" (Romans 8:16), or The Spirit is the one that can witness that anyone (including a fetus/unborn baby) is a child of God as well. 

So while I don't understand all the reasons others choose abortions and I don't condone them, I know a little what it's like to feel a little disconnected from that love a mother is supposed to have for an unborn baby. If anyone stumbles upon my blog and is struggling with those feelings or with their decision whether or not to keep their pregnancy/baby, leave a comment and we can talk about it via email or something like that.  It is hard to make a decision like that with a clear head when all you can think about is how awfully sick you feel and you'd just like to not feel so terrible anymore (especially if you feel like getting pregnant was an accident or not your fault). I'll be there to listen and (as I majored in Family Life) I can help you through different options and maybe ones you might not have thought of yet (different options for adoption avenues), and the repercussions for any decisions you make. (All of the choices have long-term consequences, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. No solution is simple.) So feel free to talk to me, seriously.

Let's just sing along to lyrics that promote abuse...

So, this will have to be a short post, but has anyone really listened to the lyrics of Matchbox 20's "Push"?

It came on Pandora at work the other day, and I sat there singing along to the song that I had heard for years on a family-friendly radio station, and then it dawned on me: This song is a big, vicious cycle of emotional abuse! Both parties have been in bad, emotionally abusive relationships, and the girl is trying to hold on to their relationship.

If Good Guy Greg were to step in having the same feelings as the guy (what I take from it-- he's been hurt and he thinks she's kind of nonsense for trying to start things up), he would just tell the girl that he's sorry she feels hurt in the relationship, but he thinks she could find happiness elsewhere. She would feel hurt, but maybe both of them could find their way out of emotional abuse and away from their addiction to it.

On the contrary, Scumbag Steve appears here, and he starts talking about how he wants to push the girl around, push the girl down, and take her for granted, and then states a verbal commitment to follow through. Are you kidding me? Fighting emotional abuse with physical and more emotional abuse is a horrible idea! I don't care how much hurt you are in-- you do not commit to perpetuate hurt.

I know we all have times where we feel like we want to get back at someone for this, that, or the other, but when you border on abuse is where a line must be drawn as a strict, "NO." Looking at Wikipedia now, according to Rob Thomas (when fending off feminist groups when the song came out in 1997) it was the guy being abused the whole time, which, when you look closely, this could be the case (if you stick with him narrating for the girl the entire song), but I don't think that was widely known. If we stick with the latter idea of it, we still see an emotionally confused and abused man who won't get away from this abuse, and there is no resolution of the abuse stopping.

When we had our music lecture in my media class, we talked about how lyrics have more of an affect than we think on our lives. I didn't think I had heard enough songs about abuse to really say that that was true, but now I'm realizing just how much I don't know what lyrics I'm singing half the time. I can sing the lyrics to many songs, but I have no idea what kind of meaning is behind the words most of the time (as evident.) How does the music industry get away with this? Isn't this a blatant stance saying that physical and emotional abuse is culturally accepted, creating more personal fables and false realities for abusers and abuse-es?  How do we sing along with this song, as well as "Pumped Up Kicks" (a bright-sounding song about someone threatening to shoot kids who have nice things), and "Eyes on Fire" (a techno song sung by a girl with a soothing voice singing "I'll seek you out, flay you alive, one more word and you won't survive")? Why are we addicted to whatever has a catchy beat and a happy tone? Does this disconcert anyone else?

Social Science Perspective on Les Mis

Amongst the craziness of life, the universe, and everything (specifically a 25 point project taking 10 hours to do right (see this video) and the ups and downs of midterms) I was able to finally see Les Misérables a couple weeks ago when a friend invited a group of people to go. This means I am somewhat qualified (at least capable) of giving an opinion about the movie. On BYU Memes, there was a meme/comment thread that described reasons why certain people didn't like Les Misérables for several different reasons. Being an admin for the page, I felt like I needed to watch the movie to truly understand why the movie was or was not the greatest thing since Wicked to adequately give an opinion. Among the sea of opinions about why or why not Les Misérables is a good musical or a good movie, mine is of the positive, and (because it is me) comes from a perspective of a social scientist.

I think the reason why we generally like Les Misérables so much is because we can connect to each character emotionally in some way, whether we have experienced similar emotions or we know someone who has. We develop a deep connection with the characters, and when they lead intertwining lives where one good or bad intention affects the others around them for good or for bad (and, in most cases, it is for the worse), it is heart-wrenching. The musical or movie does a really good job at making you deeply study the characters' lives for yourself and see the complexity of each individual human's thoughts and how much interdependence is portrayed with actions. In a nutshell, here are some examples:

• You can't see Cosette and Eponine fully happy at the same time because they like the same man (and what girl has not been on both sides of that coin, I ask you.) 
• The good intentions of Jean Valjean get besmirched by a complicated mess of gossip, pride, lust, resentment of rejection, Javert's insatiable sense of false justice and mistrust of full repentance (because of the cynicism that has grown inside him from criminals not changing), and the context of government hostility and economic depression. 
• The girl saved from hard labor and child abuse (Cosette) grows up isolated and horribly naïve and somewhat resents her rescuer and only father she's really known who has only tried to keep her safe the best way he knew how. Perhaps he was a helicopter parent, but perhaps a little paranoia, considering Javert's history, was what was needed.
• All of these events (and more) happen while Jean Valjean has a horrible guilt complex and build up of anxiety about being a changed man, and he is encouraged to have low self-esteem until his dying day, by Javert's false sense of justice. 
• Ironically enough, the battle scenes at the bunkers, where half of the people worth noting die, have some of the least amount of effect on the interdependence of individual story lines we see in the whole movie (at least if we compare the on-screen time of different events.) We see the end of a lot of people, but the only one the deaths really affect is Marius (and, perhaps, Javert, depending on your perspective, but it is more psychological warfare with Jean Valjean to me, and somewhat detached to the battle scene at hand.) I guess I'm also not including the audience being affected, as we bawled through the innocent deaths that were for naught, but you must remember that we aren't really in the movie, even though it may seem like that emotionally.

In the end, the more I think of it tonight, I think we can also see our daily conundrums and faults embodied within the characters. We know the difficulty of making hard decisions in our lives, and know that agony. We see ourselves in Javert's battle with what is justice and mercy, and knowing who to trust, what things are going with the letter and spirit of the law, and how much we fully believe in repentance for others and ourselves. I'm going to generalize this next bit to everyone, though I'm not sure how far the reach of this is, so bear with me.  We also can see ourselves through Jean Valjean, as much as we hate to admit it, because we also can't let our former actions go sometimes when evaluating ourselves as a person. We see ourselves as broken, even if we say we believe in entire repentance. When people tell us that we are wonderful, we can't accept that because of our glaring past, present faults, and we hold on to negative opinions of ourselves like a pair of old duct-taped, tattered, and ill-functioning shoes instead of letting ourselves break-in the nice ones because we're afraid of dirtying them. We believe the man saying he's fighting for justice is telling the truth; perhaps because he personally believes that is what is happening helps convince ourselves, even if we know that he won't win in the end. We need to realize that the conviction of negative forces does not make them right, and our self doubts and secret stashes of self-resentment can be taken away by hope and trust in the atonement of Christ. He bore all things (not just our sins), and he did it so we could change for good, not just erase our mistakes or duct tape the holes. Believe it as much as He does: let's all learn a lesson or two from some of the unnecessary self-deprecation and let's be a little more whole.

"The Thing About Love" and justificaton

I believe it was two weekends ago that my roommates and I went to the BYU Contemporary Dance team's performance of "The Thing About Love." It was a great performance, and had more emotional pull than I had previously imagined. I'm not sure what I was expecting completely from the start-- part of me thought and secretly hoped it would be romantic notions throughout, and I'd come from it as if I just watched a chick flick. Yes, there would be some sense of loss, but true love would win out in the end. Another part of me was apprehensive to the possibility of feeling a sense of longing-- knowing that I had felt that loss, but I have not obtained, as of yet, that climax resolution of finding someone for me.

Now, by this point, some of you might be thinking, "Oh great, this is a post about another lonely single at BYU," but stay with me. Watching this performance led me down a completely set of thoughts, despite Valentine's Day on the horizon. While some of the performances didn't give me a sense of connection and understanding of the dancers, many of the performances did. There were performances of puppy love, but the most powerful ones for me were ones about the complicated emotions that come with love. One that particularly affected me was one that, to me, symbolized an abusive relationship. This was unlike the previous encounters where flirting was not received well because feelings were not mutual. This was one where a couple danced together, but in their repeated movements and idiosyncrasies there arose a roughness as the girl tried to have a firmer connection with her partner. He would brush off her hand forcefully from his back, and as the dance and song progressed, it was apparent that she would reach and out and he would ignore. He would redeem himself for brief moments of closeness, winning back her heart, and quickly return to his habits of rough or emotionally disconnected behavior. Near the end, in the girl's sense of pleading gently by poking his shoulder, then insistently, he was emotionally silent, and finally redeemed himself again, briefly. She finally decided she had enough, and broke away from the relationship as he tried to use his sway on her emotions. 

I guess this was so powerful to me because, in a sense, many of us have a tendency to let this happen. Abuse is not simply defined as not getting hurt physically. It has much to do with emotions. Someone doesn't have to be yelling at you for this to happen, either. Someone can become emotionally disconnected from you and from the world gradually, until it isn't just a few small instances but a pattern of apathy. Sometimes this happens because the person places something that is more important in their lives than everything else, and sometimes they might have real problems that they are having a hard time dealing with. I know I will make excuses for others' behavior, saying to myself, "Oh, I'm sure they're just going through a hard time. They care for me, and I know this cannot possibly be the real them, so I know that things will change for the better if I'm just patient." I say this over and over again, encouraged by the small redemptions made, until I realize that they are no longer anything like what God wants for me in my life, and what He feels like I should accept. I've been so willing to please and lacked criticism so much that I let them become someone who they themselves probably don't want to be. I'll say, "Don't worry about it." I'll justify to them, "It's no big deal, it's kind of funny [that you have that 'idiosyncrasy'], actually." This is not helpful. I'm not saying we shouldn't be charitable or kind. On the contrary, sometimes the most charitable thing to do is to not allow this. You can be kind and supportive while letting the person know that their behavior is unacceptable and you do not like it (including not justifying the action in your mind.) I just took the READY questionnaire (see http://www.relate-institute.org/) for my SFL Marriage Prep class, and the results back this up. Confidence and openness are components of your emotional readiness score. 

In short, I have new goals to work on both confidence and openness. As I work on that now, hopefully I'll be more ready the next prince charming that comes my way. After all, every prince has their imperfections, and finding one that can work with you and God to lift each other up is a priceless quest.

Deaf relations

So, one of my other favorite shows is also on ABC Family is Switched at Birth. (I warned you this was a media blog, right? There are all sorts of types of media, including books, church materials, youtube videos, facebook memes, etc. Sometimes sitting through a show is the easiest to consciously contemplate the effects and messages sent through the media for me, though.) Most people know the basic premise of the show from the title, but besides the obvious, one daughter, Daphne, that was switched is Deaf (she does sign and oral) from a poor neighborhood and her family comes and lives with the other switched daughter, Bay, who comes from a very well-to-do family. (Oh, and just for a culture reference necessary for this post, "Deaf" usually refers to the culture or someone that has grown up in the unique culture of signing as a lingual and expressive basis. When saying "deaf" (lowercase) it refers to the hearing loss itself, or someone that has lost their hearing due to age, who identifies with hearing culture instead of Deaf culture.) Now back to my thoughts on Switched at Birth:

Switched at Birth family: Daphne is the left daughter, Bay is the right daughter

So, here's my opinion on how they portray Deaf culture. In previous seasons, there was some insight into Deaf culture, but it wasn't a regular thing, and with Daphne being oral (able to read lips and has gone through speech therapy to learn how to speak), the relations did not surface much. There was a time where Emmett (Daphne's Deaf friend that ended up dating Bay for a while) struggled with liking anyone hearing, a discrimination picked up from his mother (who does not like people outside of Deaf culture in general) and a time where he tried to go through speech therapy to communicate better with Bay, but both seemed to be from a perspective of empowering Deaf through assimilating in the hearing world. This is a little bit opposite of Deaf culture. It is true that Deaf culture has an emphasis of "we'll figure out a way to do it" (as is the case with Daphne being given a job in a kitchen (yet only through the help of Bay's mom)), but being oral, it seemed like the show was saying, "You have to be oral to have a real job, or you have to work in a Deaf school (in the case of Emmett's mom)." While there is a Deaf boy, Travis, who has a job and he isn't oral, it is washing cars for Bay's dad, so it seems very menial and, again, through someone getting the job for them.

This season seems to be doing a better job from the start, and by the looks of it, this season should be good. Bay is accused of cheating at her prep school, and so, because she's already learned a little ASL from signing with Emmett and Daphne, she decides she wants to do the pilot program at Carlton School for the Deaf for hearing students with Deaf family members (where Emmett and Daphne go to school, and where Emmett's mom works.) This infuses us into an environment that has a 98% majority being Deaf. This is a good thing to see the rich friendships, the day-to-day issues, and different people's ideas and upbringings in Deaf culture. It is also a good reality check to see that, although there are many who want an interdependence with hearing (viewing each other on the same field, just in different environmental and cultural circumstances and communities), there are also a good number of Deaf that are very strong in Deaf Power movements and see hearing people as ignorant as some hearing people view those that are Deaf (audists.) It is an interesting viewpoint put into play.

Bay gets put into every ASL student's nightmare of being engulfed in Deaf culture but being hated for not knowing enough and slowing down classes for others (which, if you had one place that you could be yourself, and someone else came in and changed it even a little, you might be a little frustrated or upset, too.) Having taken through ASL 202, I can tell you, I struggle significantly getting up the courage to sign with a native signer at any Deaf event, even though I've been assured by many that I won't be ruining anyone's night for trying. I feel like I'm back in first grade, standing on the sidelines, waiting to get invited to play because I might be breaking a social norm or coming across as impolite to go up and strike up a conversation. Luckily, especially around this area, there are many that want to bridge the understanding gap between Deaf and hearing, and will be patient with me because I'm trying to rid myself of any unintentional audist tendencies that are given through the general hearing culture. One of the biggest unknown barriers we create as as the hearing is the feeling of pity and needing to be the hand that lifts the Deaf up. We are engrained with a sense of superiority in this way, not only with Deaf culture which has its own communities and social guidelines, but many people that have different circumstances than our own. It could be someone who uses a wheelchair,  someone who has an emotional or mental disorder or disability, or even those that just might be poorer than we are. Until we see each person, no matter circumstance, as a person equal and like unto ourselves that we can be interdependent with, there will be serious misunderstandings and lack of true empathy (not sympathy) for one another. As for ABC Family, I'm sure they are learning step-by-step with responses to each show, but they are doing a good job involving actual Deaf people in acting and advising in the show. They even have an episode coming up where it is all through ASL, and closed captions for hearing.

In short, I'm looking forward to this season. :)

Bunheads, not related to hot-cross-buns

So, this will just be a quick post tonight. I got to catch up on my favorite shows on ABC Family's website this weekend, and thought it would be good material for a post.

The show Bunheads is one of my favorites, with the same creators as Gilmore Girls. No, it isn't a show about people that have bread on their heads, though most people think of that first off. The buns refer to hair buns, because many of the main characters are dancers. Exhibit A (from abcfamily.com):

The premise is that she was a showgirl in Vegas with her life leading nowhere fast. A nice but slightly awkward man, Hubble, keeps trying to vie for her attention every time he is in town, having watched dozens of her shows. After a bad audition, she finally accepts a date with him. In a drunken state, she accepts Hubble's offer to marry him. She wakes up being driven to Paradise, CA, herself full of a mixture of regret and confusion. She meets the disapproving town and her new mother-in-law (same actress and similar personality from Gilmore Girls), and discovers herself wanting, and somewhat succeeding, to fall in love with her new husband. Then tragedy strikes, and Hubble dies in a car accident, not even 48 hours after they were married. In this time period, though, he managed to transfer everything in his will over to Michelle, and she finds herself obligated to stay in the small town that hates her. Her mother-in-law is a little forceful in manipulative ways, and gets Michelle into teaching dance classes in her backyard ballet studio.

Okay, so things great about this show: I love being kept on my toes with Michelle trying to find her identity in the small town of Paradise, CA. I love that after all Michelle does and all the mistakes she makes, even though many in the town still don't admittedly like her, the teenage ballet dancers start to look up to her. Even after she accidentally maced them at their biggest performance of the year and she is basically driven out of town by angry parents, after a summer away the teenagers and even her mother-in-law want her back. Michelle is convinced when the mother-in-law brings a recently discovered wedding video made by Hubble. I love how, even though Michelle isn't the best role model, Hubble knew that she could do great things. When she doesn't have faith in herself to be special, the video shows how much he cared for her, and wanted nothing more to make her realize she is a wonderful person. She makes plenty of mistakes, but she realizes how she is missed by those in town despite what they say. I think I like the show so much because I've been on both Michelle's side of not believing people about my potential (which I think we all do), and also on Hubble's side of knowing how wonderful someone you care about is, and you know that they don't know it yet, but you want to to all that is within your power to help them start taking that passive potential and making it active. Besides that, I like that it stays pretty clean, and I'm enchanted by dance, so it is a pretty perfect show for me.